An Affair

Do you sometimes wonder why your partner isn't as forthcoming in their interactions with you as they used to be, and why their spontaneity seems to be kept in check in certain situations - as though they really don't know you that well any more? Have you considered that they might have an affair or cheat on you in any way but hoped that they would be incapable of hurting you that much in any way?

Well, you are not alone. It is very common for partners to at the very least, think about the possibility of this happening and how they themselves might feel and what their response might be. This doesn't mean that most people do not trust their partners not to cheat or have an affair, it's more of an inquisitiveness about their own deep feelings, fears and strengths.

There is a big difference between 'wondering' and 'suspecting' and the latter is what I am dealing with here. Having a suspicion that your partner is having an affair is usually grounded in the fact that in your eyes they are behaving very differently in certain ways to normal and you no longer feel as though you have as much 'access' to some areas of them as before.

Sometimes your partner may be involved in a phone conversation when you walk in the house but as soon as they realise that you are there they abruptly end the conversation and immediately launch into a conversation with you. Now this is a sign of avoidance but not necessarily an affair! If you ask them who was on the phone they trivialise the importance of the call in some way, as in "Oh just some canvasser trying to eat into my time" or "Bob Parker from work looking for a lost file", etc. Now obviously there are times when these situation do happen and are perfectly above-board, it is up to you to decide if this is 'normal' behaviour in your spouse/partner or not and therefore whether it is indicative of an affair.

What you should really be alerted by are new patterns of behaviour that detract from your relationship. Maybe your partner has started a new hobby that you cannot join them in for some reason, ie. it is gender specific, or you are usually otherwise occupied at the times they have chosen. Maybe they leave straight from work with some colleagues who wouldn't particulary want you to join them! An affair is probable if your partner is reluctant to talk about their hobby in any depth and downplays its importance.

Many partners of cheating spouses have explained that they sort of felt like a 'stranger' in their relationship but couldn't quite say why, and that their partner seemed to be 'distracted' alot of the time but at this point an affair was not suspected. Some people noticed that their partner also seemed more willing to go out for errands than ever before. Ofted at first this was taken as a positive thing, particulary when it was the partner who normally was lazy in this way. They were seen as making more of an effort to contribute to the relationship.

So as you can see is is often the small things that show up a problem and also can hide it at the same time. We are often looking for some major indications of an affair, like 'love letters' 'lipstick on the collar', hairs of different colours adorning our partners clothes; the smell of an unfamiliar cologne or perfume or motel receipts.

Sometimes when the realisation that a partner is cheating or actually having an affair hits home there can be a sort of numbness and an inability to really believe that it can be happening. This is a natural defence against the grief a person can feel even at the thought of their partner having an affair, it's a type of 'safe haven' whilst waiting for the storm to blow over. In my opinion it is never a good idea to isolate yourself in these feeling and my advice would be to root out a good friend or employ a therapist who is experieced in these matters. You will really need someone to talk through you feelings, thoughts and emotions with, I know it could feel like the last thing you'd want to be doing, but ususally it is the best.